Violent communication in our society is a result of training.  We yell at each other, and we blame, judge, dominate and evaluate. According to Marshall Rosenberg, this form of communication is not our natural state.  Rosenberg, founder of The Center for Nonviolent Communication, believes that we are naturally compassionate, and we have to learn to be violent.  He has a simple system for overcoming our programming and learning to communicate with respect.

Non-violent Communication(NVC) assumes that we all have basic human needs, and that every communication is an attempt to meet those needs.  If we are violent, we try to get those needs met by blaming others, making them feel guilty or by shaming them into doing what we want.  However, Rosenberg has created a simple system that can change all of that.

The approach has only four steps:  

Step One: Observe the concrete actions that are affecting our well-being.

Step Two: Express how we feel in relation to what we observe.

Step Three: Share the needs, values, desires that create that feeling.

Step Four: Request a concrete action in order to create well-being.

For example, a child is messing up the living room by leaving his socks laying around.  Mom could yell at him to pick them up.  She could make him feel guilty that he’s not helping enough, or she could use NVC.  Here’s what she might say:

(step one)When I see these socks all over the floor, (step two) I feel frustrated (step three) because I need our common area to stay clean. (step four) Would you please put your socks in the hamper?

In this case, Mom has taken all violent language out, and she has clearly stated what she needs. If you have had violent communication with someone, this simple process won’t necessarily change how people communicate with you; however, if you stay non-violent, your communication will eventually improve.  The key is to stay connected to your compassion.