The most interesting thing about doing NVC in Michigan is how many people want to say they’re sorry as part of the NVC process.  However, NVC doesn’t require that you say you’re sorry, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong.  So, here’s a scenario to consider.  The Chair of your department is upset with you because you didn’t complete your Faculty Evaluation Plan the way he wants it completed, but you believe it’s fine and have decided that you want it the way you wrote it.  When I presented this to folks at a workshop, they all said that the first thing they should do is apologize.  Why?  When I did these workshops in New Mexico no one considered apologizing, but here some people think that’s the best way to diffuse a situation.  In NVC, however, apologizing is never part of the process.  To review, the NVC process includes four steps.  The first step is to observe the concrete actions that are affecting our well-being. Step two is to express how we feel in relation to what we observe. Then, share the needs, values, desires that create that feeling. Lastly, request a concrete action in order to create well-being.

Using NVC you could say, “(step one)When you criticize my plan(step two) I feel disrespected(step three)because I developed the plan that I want to achieve for this year. These are my goals, so (step four) I need you to accept my plan.”  There is no need to apologize, but there is also no need for the Chair to apologize.  NVC assumes that we are all good, and that all communication is based on need.  If we can respect each other’s needs, our communication will improve.